Please Don’t Forget About Me

you told me I changed your life but as time passes, I believe it less and less. if I was so good for you, why didn't you stay? and if you loved me how could you leave me?  

Monday  - 5:45am  

With the alarm of an iPhone ringing in the distance, I sit up and swing my feet off the side of the couch. A pair of glasses, a hair tie, and a packed bong sit on the table but no phone. I must have left it in the bathroom. Slipping around the coffee table I reach for the cold handle of the barn door separating my temporary bedroom from the kitchen. As I slide it open my foggy mind realizes the ringing is coming from behind me. I turn around and throw the blanket in the air, followed by the pillows, then the cushions, but find nothing. I reach into the un-vacuumed canyon; my fingertips touch a cold screen, and a wave of relief washes over me. I extract the device and notice that connected to it is a pair of earbuds emitting a quiet alarm.  

I've got to stop doing this  

I unplug the earbuds, tossing them aside. As my finger taps the small 'stop' button a memory flashes in my mind of raised voices and fear. What happened last night? 

6:00am  

I turn the shower handle almost a full rotation, just below maximum. I pull the cloth curtain aside and let the cool water turn warm over my skin, when it starts to burn, I step in. Soap, shampoo, conditioner and in 20 minutes of mental and physical cleansing I'm done dry and dressed. at this point some of the night begins to click in place, memories of hateful words, shocking revelations, and desperate pleas for love fill my mind. Until last night I had no doubt that we would last forever.  

6:30am  

With no time to dwell on our potentially shattered relationship I throw together a lunch and rush out the door. I lock our house and walk carefully across the ice coated porch. I turn the keys, but I can't wait for the relief of warmth, if I'm late they won't let it slide again. I pull out of the driveway, two rights, two lefts, and three red lights later I back into the last open spot in the crowded parking lot at work.  

6:56am  

I swipe through the gate and the weekend is suppressed. Fear dwells in the back of my mind, fear of the conversations yet to come, of the words that, at this point, are unpredictable, and of the potentially temporary but most likely permanent disconnect, that only comes from deeply hurting someone who loves you. and I loved you.  

11:00am  

I could feel my phone buzzing in my pocket all morning but when I pulled it out in the break room the screen was barren, not a single notification. Usually by now you would have filled it with all the things that went unsaid the night before. what's the difference this time? what were we even fighting about? I can't help but send you a text before I return to work ‘will I see you tonight?’.  

11:25am 

The day moves on and I am unable to let my mind settle. I am constantly engaged in conversation that on an average day, I would welcome, but today I do not have the space. I nod and acknowledge the gossip of my colleagues while it floats in one ear and out the other. I check the clock every few minutes in desperation, praying that 3pm arrives soon.  

2:59pm  

I rush to collect my lunch and jacket, the bell rings and I'm out the door, running to my car. in no time I'm out of the parking lot and on my way home. I need to process what happened last night.  

3:15pm  

I slow down to 30 around the corner connecting St. James street and Vincent Avenue, then take the first right into our empty driveway.  

‘Why isn't she home yet?’  

'I'll call her' 

One ring and it stops. Shit. I can feel a pit forming in my stomach. I turn off the car and run for the front door, my creeping suspicion coming to a head. Four steps up the driveway, one onto the porch and in a moment, I was face down on the concrete. If I hadn't been late this morning I would have dealt with the ice. shaking hands fumble for my keys and I attempt to unlock the door with the wrong one. I really need to mark them. I finally succeed in unlocking the door and as it swings open, I understand immediately. Missing pictures, a half empty bookshelf, and the pillow I made for your birthday is gone. At least you cared enough to take it with you.  

'Is this real?'  

'It can't be, check the bedroom'  

I throw open the closet doors and am met with brutal confirmation, you're gone. you said there was someone else, but I never thought you would just leave. you said you loved me just last night; how could you do that and then disappear without a word. I call again, straight to voicemail. ‘Where are you?’ I type out and send. my body becomes heavy, and I am pulled onto our bed.  

Tuesday 12:21am

In a blink the room is dark and a I feel the chill of night wind drift across my face. Still my phone screen was empty, no word from you. I must accept that this is the end. I must grieve.