intoxicants

The only thing on my mind Sunday night is the work week ahead. Summer has barely begun, and the heat is nearly unbearable. I don’t believe I’ll last through the coming 4 months. I need an escape plan, a way out. But tonight, I grab the bottle and pour a shot, and then another. It’s just one more day; I’ve made it through hundreds already. I peel off my shirt and jeans, switch on the fan, and settle in for another restless night.

The following Sunday I repeat the pattern, and then the next Sunday, and then the next. I become numb, I have not processed true emotion in months, I conflate minor deviations with major outliers. My car broke down. Nothing to numb me this week, my emotions flare, I hurt the ones I care about. I am unfamiliar with true anxiety; I am unfamiliar with love.

In a week I am back on my bullshit again. Numb, restricted, broken, the bare necessities become unreachable. Showers become an old friend, laundry piles all around. I need every second with it, I mustn’t taint my time with WORK. I crave relaxation, I crave peace. I create fake peace.

I lie to myself and say it does not interfere for if I accept that it does, I must get rid of it. I pretend it is an improvement in my life, and necessary for creation because if that is not true it must be eliminated. I will escape it in time. For now, I continue to take slow steps, make the improvements possible, never regress for long. Consistent effort is essential.