Who am I?

Often when I look in the mirror, I see a face I don’t recognize. After spending upwards of a decade permanently high I am far from in-tune with my soul. I do not know my true self, and so how could I love my true self? And how can I even trust that this stranger deserves love?

            Just like most others I have become familiar with my identity as a voice, a perspective, an invisible entity in my head. When I lock eyes with myself in the mirror I must recon with the idea I AM a person. Most days feel like an out of body experience, I live in the third person, acting for a future me. I must remind myself I exist, I am human, I have all the features and needs of every other human out there.

            I have been sober for an extended period on less than 3 occasions since I first started smoking at 14. From 14-21 I repressed every major emotion pretending that I could function without them. I lied to myself and the people around me pretending I was healthy, but I was decaying day by day. Dissatisfaction, turned to anger, turned to resentment, turned to extended late night arguments with no true solution. I inevitably had to find sobriety to process those seven years.

            In ignoring my true emotions, I rejected my passions. Happiness and joy were synthetic and thus associated with whatever I put in front of me. I was forced to search out new experiences and find what really made my heartbeat. Until I fully knew myself, I could never love myself.